IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
#Caturday
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit