flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*