“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
You Might Also Like
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.