Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
You Might Also Like
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?