{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.