*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar