“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.