My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
#ParentingFacts
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.