You Might Also Like
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”