Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I love twitter
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,