kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.