Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Britain be like
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“What movie?” 🤔
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.