When your parents check you’re ok.
You Might Also Like
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.