“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
What a chick magnet..
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
#TopTip
oh my gosh!!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.