I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Every. Damn. Time.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
An odd boast
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.