I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I wish this was real life…
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….