i’ve found my new favorite subculture
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Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)