If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again