I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.