I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.