Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming