Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.