My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Breaking news:
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.