“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.