Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.