The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.