it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.