I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.