Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens