Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?