*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You Might Also Like
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.