[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Stick it to the man
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Interior design 👌
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age