Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
That de-escalated quickly
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already