#catsoftwitter
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I missed you with all my darts
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
my astrological sign is a french fry
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.