Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!