[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock