“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I ate everything, including the H.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Every haunted house movie:
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”