my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich