When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Cndnsd Mlk
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news