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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN