OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight