One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
You Might Also Like
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
i wish we could shoplift online
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.