If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on