You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
God has left this place
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?