I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍