why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Boom, boom, ching!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.