The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
not seeing the problem
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting