“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
new career option?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Oops I deleted….
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
need him
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?