if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.