The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
You Might Also Like
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert